Iris
by Novindalf
Summary: Set during the boat scene of 5.5, with the lyrics for 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls. Runner-up in XTimeGirlX's songfic challenge. Disclaimer: I don't own Spooks/MI-5, or the song 'Iris' - they belong to their respective owners.


**Iris**

_**For XTimeGirlX's songfic challenge. The lyrics are from 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls.**_

_**Set during the 'boat scene' of 5.5.**_

_**Please review and let me know what you think.**_

**_A/N: As of 18th March 2010 I've edited the end of this, as it rather annoyed me how I had a huge chunk of lyrics without any of my own writing to break it up here. Hence the stuff not in italics between 'Never before' and 'He would tell her.' Has been inserted after the closing of the songfic challenge (for which the first version of this was a runner-up! =D)_**

***

The body in the mortuary might not have actually been hers, but that didn't make her any more alive. He might be only one of a handful of people who knew she hadn't drowned, but he had still lost her. Just because he could glean these last precious moments with her, it still didn't make the word _'last' _any less final.

If these were to be their _last_ ever moments together – their _last_ conversation, his _last_ chance to hear her voice, to say her name, just to be next to her – then she was all that mattered. Never mind about water-cooler gossip, or compromising respect and rank, or 'what-if's – never again would anything get in the way of hurried whispers in corridors, or stolen minutes on the Grid. Never again would they be interrupted by matters of national security, or ill-timed disasters, or interfering adversaries, or even well-meaning friends. Never again would they meet.

So he'd be damned if he let this opportunity pass him by.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

'_Cause I know that you feel me somehow_

She might have wanted to slip away quickly and quietly, but as he walked towards her on the dock, she could not have been more relieved that he had come.

"I told Adam not to tell you," she nevertheless remarked. She knew it was dangerous for him to be there; not for fear of him being followed and her survival being exposed, but for fear that the longer she tried to hold on to everything, to him, the harder it became to leave. Even just forcing out the words to him was hard, and her voice shook with the effort of keeping herself together.

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now_

"I don't know what I'll do without you, Ruth."

His words tore at her heart. She didn't know how she would manage without him either. For three years she had held back, unable to even consider approaching him in any other way than professional. She loved him unconditionally and irrevocably, but she had been too scared. Too scared of gossip, too scared of the banter of her friends, but most of all, too scared of rejection.

If only she had known that rejection was the last thing on Harry's mind. That he wanted nothing more than to admit his love for her, and to find it being reciprocated.

If only one of them had made the beautiful leap of faith.

_Carpe diem. _Her father had told her that. It was the first words of Latin she ever learned, and her love of the language had never wavered. But oh how she wished she had taken heed of the proverb, instead of cowering in her fear. Taking risks and gambles was a trait more suited to a field officer, not the safety of being a desk analyst.

She felt far from safe now. There was to be no light at the end of the tunnel for Ruth Evershed. She could only hope to linger at its entrance for the fleetest of moments, before falling into its confines.

If there was any day to seize, or even any precious short minute, this was it.

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_And all I can breathe is your life_

Every time he spoke, her resolve crumbled that little bit more. If staying with Harry was impossible, leaving him was so much harder.

"Harry, please, don't," she begged. He was on the verge of saying everything she could ever have needed him to say, and she had to stop him.

"But if I don't tell you now, I never will."

Had she not been offered the distraction of the cry of 'Come on!' from the boat, she would have given in, then and there, said that she couldn't do it, couldn't sail away and never see him again, and they would have to come up with another plan, because she wouldn't leave him. It would have been her final act of selfishness. And it would have ruined them both.

Or saved them.

'_Cause sooner or later it's over_

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

"Please, don't say anything," she pleaded, though all she wanted was to hear him say the words. "Just leave it as something that was never said."

Only she couldn't leave it there. If she was going to have to endure losing him, she would have this one final indulgence.

She raised her hand to his face and caressed his cheek gently.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

'_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

"Something wonderful, that was never said."

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

She seized the day.

She leaned in and kissed him, all doubts forgotten all worries set aside as she risked everything she had left to lose.

And he kissed her back.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_

_Or the moment of truth in your lies_

_When everything feels like the movies_

_Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

Never before had she wanted to hold onto a moment so much as she did now. His words, remained unspoken, but his actions conveyed all he could have wanted to say. Every emotion was poured into the fleeting touch. Grief. Anger. Frustration. Longing. Need.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

'_Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

They could sort it all out.

Mace, 'Fox', Cotterdam – everything. It could all be sorted out, and Ruth wouldn't have to leave.

For once in his life, he would not let them take away what was most precious to him.

_When everything's made to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

He couldn't do it. He couldn't let her leave without telling her. She could stay, she could hide. He could keep her safe.

He would tell her.

_I just want you to know who I am_

"Let me go, Harry."


End file.
